nine: forty one

How to Find the map to your heart is harder than actually finding the key.

Lets pretend this didn’t happen dear.

Lets pretend I didn’t care about you this much.

You dont make me smile. 

And I dont think about you like I do. 

Lets pretend you didn’t have the feelings you have and you broke my ever so weak heart.

Lets pretend you break my heart.

Lets pretend my heart is a lot harder to open than finding the key.

Lets pretend that you take a gun to my head and pulled the trigger.

Lets be real. I would do it over and over again. 

it’s 9:41 pm. 

Lets Pretend. 

Lets pretend all our wounds are still open and you are the only one that can kiss them better

And Yesterdays hope is all we need even though the day is as black as the night.

Love makes you see even though it killed me.

Life is funny dear.

And you sit infront of me at the checkout line and we don’t talk. Lets pretend I don’t see you again.

Lets pretend I chased you around like a school boy on the swing set.

the grass if gone and it is just dirt.

And my life is “great” 

Lets pretend I Talk to my sister and and and get a long.

Lets pretend you don’t complete me.

and I have cancer.

Let’s pretend girls know what guys want.

Let’s pretend we didn’t kiss eachothers teeth

Let’s pretend no more.

Let’s be real 

Let’s be real when you kiss me i lick my lips for hours after.

Let’s be real when you hug me in walmart and we just sit there. 

i love that darling 

Let’s be real I love you. 

d43me aka rachel bridges

dear d43me 

I found that your style is different than mine and I like different. 

I put a poem together of quotes from your blog that I could connect with.

i found salvation at three am

 & i got to thinking, i don't know who i am, & i don't know what i want to be when i grow up, but i know who i want to be right now.

the honest truth

i got a little bigger but i think i'm mostly still the same

when i was younger i was scared of

who i was supposed to be

now i'm scared because i still have nightmares

because 

it is you i feel most alive with

& i want to throw my arms above my head

my hands shake, i get goosebumps, i am alive, & i love you

when we shared a sleeping bag & choked on campfire smoke

i wrote your name in cursive letters too many times & i think my pen is almost out of ink

i love you, i love you, i love you

but right now, i am here & i'm trying

i have had seventeen years of "firsts."

my first heartbreak was on a friday, & my head & eyes ached as i cried

but 

time has expired

and

to 

you 

i'm just another face in a crowd

all i ever will be & i'm ok with that

"everything hurts like hell, but i do it for you"

you realize that "tomorrow" is yesterday & that this is your life

seventeen matches

i have had seventeen years of "firsts."

my first heartbreak was on a friday, & my head & eyes ached as i cried

you 

were 

the person i 

could

call at 4 a.m.

but now 

i am one in seven billion.

This was a weird

Britton Thomas Bettridge, 18, of Highland, UT, Passed away Yesterday He was born May 27, 1997 to Rick and Trish Bettridge. Britton Graduated from Lone Peak High School and Played Linebacker for the Lone Peak football team he was a First Team all region for the Knights. Britton Took major Pride in his Sports, Family and Friends. His Dad Rick taught him the ropes on how to become a true honest man. Him and his mom would always go shopping or out to lunch and He enjoyed spending time with her the most.  He went to the Gym every day and Enjoyed working out with his brother Austin. He often looked up to his Sister Brandi for any advice and His younger sister Mckenzie for being Happy all the time. He often hung out with his friends and enjoyed the outdoors. He collected hats and would often see him wearing a Yankees hat. Britton holds the ranking of Eagle Scout and resembles the attributes that scouting stands for. Britton Enoyed riding his Harley, Flirting with Girls and making weird memories with his friends. One in particular is when him and his friends made a couch on wheels and road it around Highland. Britton knew what it meant to live life to the fullest and be happy in times of trial. His one wish was not to be remembered by the things he did but the person he was. He will be remembered as a funny loving kid who gave his all at life and never regretted anything he did. He loved the Support he got from extended Family members and love ones. He often looked up to coaches who helped raise him to the hard worker he was. He will be missed.

I dont know why I wrote this. I have always thought of writing my own obituary the other day and I don't know why but I had a out of body experience writing it and I hope you know I don't plan on dying anytime soon. 

thanks. 

- Shawn

Midnight in Paris

I was on the plane watching “Midnight in Paris” and one of the actors said this. and I quote: “All men fear death. It’s a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we haven’t loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same. However, when you make love with a truly great woman, one that deserves the utmost respect in this world and one that makes you feel truly powerful, that fear of death completely disappears. Because when you are sharing your body and heart with a great woman the world fades away. You two are the only ones in the entire universe. You conquer what most lesser men have never conquered before, you have conquered a great woman’s heart, the most vulnerable thing she can offer to another. Death no longer lingers in the mind. Fear no longer clouds your heart. Only passion for living, and for loving, become your sole reality. This is no easy task for it takes insurmountable courage. But remember this, for that moment when you are making love with a woman of true greatness you will feel immortal.

I believe that love that is true and real creates a respite from death. All cowardice comes from not loving or not loving well, which is the same thing. And when the man who is brave and true looks death squarely in the face like some rhino hunters I know or Belmonte, who is truly brave, it is because they love with sufficient passion to push death out of their minds. Until it returns, as it does to all men. And then you must make really good love again. Think about it.” 

It had me thinking the whole weekend what love really is. It had me honestly pissed off and I still don’t know what it is. There are a lot, of different ways to love but to truly love is different. For right now I am an 18 year old kid who really shouldn’t be thinking about it all too much. So this week i do not share something poetic but more of a thought. Find what you love and roll with it. Yeah there is a chance that your heart will be broken probably a 99% chance. Enjoy the moment and as Billy Joel once said “dream on but don’t dream it will all come true” 

P.S. love is bull shit. 

Jay-Z

I am a son of a successful business man that has always supported me through everything and cares about the smallest things. I have laughed with this man and cried with him. From him I have learned Love. 

My mother has been my best friend and always has been there for me. She is my biggest cheer leader. I have seen her stand tall when others have fallen. From this I have learned Strength and Persistence. 

I have grown up playing sports and I will not have anyone tell me that sports is just a game. It has molded me to the man I am. 

I had a verbally abusive coach that told me I would never amount to anything.. ever. From this I have learned Confidence. 

I won 3 Championship tittles in a row. From this I learned Victory. 

I went 13-0 and lost in the State Championship. From this I learned Failure. 

I lost a friend from suicide. From this I learned to live.

I have a friend that got cheated on by his Wife. From this I learned Loyalty. 

I had someone Record a private phone conversation and show it to people. From this I learned Trust. 

I Once was in love with a girl. Then she made out with my best friend. From this I learned wrong doing. 

I am in Love with a girl. From this I have learned endearment. 

I have Punched a kid in the jaw. I have learned that fighting isn't worth it. 

I have been Lied to. From this i am trying to learn forgiveness. 

I have exceeded my expectations in life. from this I have learned potential. 

Shawn Carter was a Coke dealer in Maryland and now he runs NYC I chose him because it shows that insane work ethic can get you anywhere. I find this to be true. Even though Me and Jay-Z have completely different lives we have a couple things in common. We both run our worlds not THE world but our worlds. In closing I thank all the people who have read my blog. I hope you continue to read. This is Shawn carter.

 a.k.a. Britton Bettridge. 

Father of my dad.

To Grandpa 

Thank you for keeping the news paper clippings and raising my dad the way he is. I tend to look up to you both. How are you doing living alone? I can see how you are at the family parties and I want to cry for you man. You are such a great guy about to go and meet the greatest of them all. How soon are you thinking? Grandma has been gone about 6 years now and I don’t know if i could go 6 years without the love of my life. leaving me alone and quiet. What were you like when you were my age? I know for a fact you did somethings that you have laughed about while you were alone sitting in that old recliner. Man I love you. I think you chose the best spot for your final resting place. The pond is beautiful and I want to take a girl there. Can we come over for the afternoon and keep you company? We might go on the pond on the row boat for a little bit. Is it weird to see your friends go? how about me? am I representing your name well enough? The way you smiled when you talked about me makes the bad times worth it. Is my dad your favorite? I need to ask you more questions in person. Love you man. Be over soon. 

living through technicolor.

I

I wonder if you are sick of this yet?

You said that we think the same and i wonder if we really do. 

Your secret thoughts spend too many moments in mine. 

My love it is scary. 

Am i suffocating you? Does your fire need air? 

I don’t know.

I don’t want to keep asking. 

You say you are predictable. I can’t even read your writing how can I read your emotion? 

Your brain is a lock that I can’t even cut off. 

Give me the code babe. 

Am i over thinking this? 

Maybe it is the past. Maybe because I have never loved like this. 

I can’t imagine loving more than I do right now. 

I have to yell at myself to stop. 

I hope Walt Disney was right. 

Is this too good to be true? 

Just write me a letter letting me know and I will sign the restraining order if that is what you want. 

If we think the same. Life is going to be wait for it.

Grand. Just grand my love